24 is a hard year

i think, for a lot of people, that 24 is a really tough year. i know that it's been a rough ride for me - in terms of what's going on in my head. the immediate outside world has been relatively calm; i technically own half the property i live in, i have a live-in boyfriend that helps to pay the bills and take care of the weenie dogs (and me ... when i admit to it), i bought a car earlier in the year - my dream car, and i have a mother that still provides me with a pretty steady stipend each month.

that's part of what makes 24 tough, for me. i don't have all the money in the world, but i don't really have to struggle either (monetarily speaking). i'm struggling in other areas, but i find myself questioning whether or not i should struggle more monetarily to prove myself. i mean, who would want to give up free money, right? but there seems to be a cost to accepting help from my mother. yeah, sometimes she will say something like, "well we really need to reduce this credit card bill." and i swear to myself that this month, this month i will not shop at target with total abandon. but target is so delicious when i go in, and i go in with this feeling of not being whole and needing to fill it with ... things from target.

i don't need anymore clothes or shoes, and that's the understatement of the year. people have beyond noticed that they don't see me in the same thing twice and can't recall the last time they saw me in the same pair of sneakers or high heels. hell, i can't recall the last time i wore a lot of things.

anyway, my point is that i'm provided for. hell, i'm pampered to the point of being spoiled, and sometimes i'm selfish and don't want to share. but i see that as a serious character flaw in other people. so why don't i hold myself to the same principle?

i'm incredibly hard on myself, and i play the victim so often because that's what's comfortable. that's what i've been doing for so long it's like an old shoe. i'd like to call myself out, but even when i do, i don't seem to really make a change. i guess i'll try one more time.

if you've got skeletons in your closet - you'd best learn how to make them dance. playing the victim is definitely a skeleton i need to make have the wiggles if i can't figure out how to dismantle it and move it out.

i absolve here and now to not shop for 1 month. will i cave? we will see. i must put away the jc penney, the forever 21, the h&m (which i can't even get to unless i'm on vacation), the TARGET! (lord have mercy), the ikea (if i could get to it), the fm goods and sounds, baker's, etc.

my reward for not shopping for a month will be to go thrifting in september. this is not just to save money, but to prove to myself that i can break this habit of filling empty with stuff. and to make 25 a little less of a conflict in my head.